Just sitting here wondering if I am normal. One second I am ready to strangle my children, and the next, they melt my heart. They scream in a really high pitch, yell as loud as they can, hit each other or me, freak out when they don't get their way, and bawl if you so much as change the channel on the TV. Two minutes later...they are hysterically giggling at nothing, playing dinosaurs with each other, sitting side-by-side drinking chocolate milk, giving me spontaneous hugs and kisses, and even cleaning up toys. So I ask: how do I survive in such chaos? I can't handle the craziness. Really, was I this nuts when I was young, or is it just a boy thing? I'd like to think I was pretty close to being the perfect child!
They both had their well-checks at the pediatrician's office last week. The doctor looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?" I thought that was a weird question being that neither one was sick and it surely wasn't my check-up. I said, "Fine, why?" He then proceeded to explain that I have the two hardest ages in boys. 4-year-olds are tantrum throwers (true), headstrong (true), sensitive (true), and bossy (true again). 18-month-olds are trying to be independent (anyone know Zac?), very active (LOL), entering the separation anxiety phase (not quite yet), and always trying to make decisions for themselves (and screaming if I tell him it's the wrong decision). So after he explained this he said, "And you are lucky because you have both ages at the same time!" I assume he calls me lucky because I'm getting through all the crap all at once. I'm really not sure I'd call that luck. I'm thinking words more along these lines: unfortunate, unlucky, how the crap am I supposed to fix it, and why on earth didn't anyone tell me this before I had kids?
Anyone out there planning on having children... Plan their timing better than I did. :)
I told the doctor that that must be the reason I feel like I don't want any more kids. He said he agreed, but that this too shall pass and I will probably want more. I guess we'll see...
I realize that Ryan and I should probably involve our Heavenly Father in our decision to have more kids or not. That is actually really hard to do. You know when you already know the answer to a prayer, so you are scared to even ask it? Like when my brother was struggling with his decision to serve a mission. My dad suggested he should pray about it. He responded, "Why, Dad? I already know what the answer is." And so it is sometimes. I know we are probably not done having kids, but they are really testing my patience and sucking the energy and life right out of me. Most days I feel as if I'm really not cut out to be a mother. I am so tired, impatient, frustrated and tired. (Did I say tired twice?) I wonder every day when I'll get the guts to actually get on my knees and ask the question. I'm afraid of what I'll hear. What if He says there are three more up there for us? I think I would stop praying all together. Not really, but what if that's my answer? Those poor children, being sent to a mother that already resents them? Now, let's get serious. You all know I would love all my children and I would only have them if I felt I could handle them. I guess that's my question: Can I really handle more?
One thing I do know. The best thing in life is seeing your children happy. There is nothing better than Gage telling me he loves me or Zac throwing his little arms around me and giving me an open-mouthed kiss with a great big, "Mah!" They are good boys just being boys. I tell myself that everyday and remind myself that this too shall pass... They teach me to enjoy the small things in life like potato bugs, throwing rocks into water, watching an airplane fly by, snuggling with a soft blanket, taking baths, watching animals, reading books, tickling each other, eating ice cream, and watching early morning cartoons. They help me remember not to take life so seriously and to enjoy every minute. I know, they'll be grown before I know it...
